Warning: this post may be a made up. It could be real, who knows? Too much about Arsenal is surreal at the moment.
Hey, just checking in. Hear things are still rough your side of the pond? Well, you know what they say about pond life!
Had an idea how to keep them quiet. Let’s move the club to the beach! Everyone loves the beach! I love the beach; Junior loves the beach as well, I bet you do too. Great, get it done.
I made a killing when I moved the St Louis Sheep back to LA. Billion dollar loans at one and one quarter percent! They say the anything from Missouri has a taint about it. Well, you know them Sheep? T’aint in Missouri no more! Oh man!
We can rename the team while we’re at it. No more London Arsenal Gunners; it’s too long, too dull. We gotta get something more snappy, with a bit more pizzazz; something more memorable. I know you guys have been around since 1992 but we still need to make more appealing – think of the Rays, the Buccaneers. Nothing dull like the Chiefs or Royals. Or the Rapids. Man, you soccer guys are a pain. Got some of those Colorado guys bawling me out for not investing in the team. Do they think I’m some kind of lunatic? No profit in that, my friend. You know what they say; where there’s profit, there’s a Kroenke.
Spoke with Mr Wenger last night. He said I should check before calling him next time, and he’s going to speak to you about it. Man, he was pissed; just a heads up for you. Can you ask your PA to sort out a time for me to speak with him again? Think he was running Bouldy through the thresher for shouting at Aaron. Says the only one he’s allowed to ball out is the little South American – Alex, is it?
Hey, what’s this about him wanting $300 large each week? That some kind of joke? Man, you guys need to look at them London Spurs; top earner on $110k each week? Get us in line with that; we can add another $10m to the bottom line and shave an eighth of one percent off my bank rate. Look after the little things, Ivan; remember that.
Anyhoo, has Mr Wenger told us how he wants the club re-organized yet? I know he don’t want a soccer director but I like what I’m hearing about Bobby Peerez. Thinks we ought to give Mr W another three years – like the idea. Let’s talk about getting him on board and on message! Make it happen.
Hey, how’s my balance sheet looking? Remember the red lines, my friend. Keep it real. Trophies are for schmucks; the real prize is in the bank – keep the c-notes piling up. Thanks for the heads up about season ticket renewals; glad you’re confident. Saw the Leicester Foxes game – stadium is looking good but a few of the seats need cleaning properly. Remember, give the fans a first class stadium and they will come, no matter what. And don’t you worry about no season ticket holders who turn up; they’re just dead presidents.
Gotta rush. Some of the Texan tenant farmers are getting uppity. One of them knocked my toop off a way back when. Been making ’em pay ever since.
There’s a new playlist at Dad’s Jukebox: gone back to the year 2000.