Day 92 in the Big Brother house. Gonzalo is in the diary room.
“Hello Big Brother.”
“Gonzalo, Big Brother has a task for you, one that you must not let the others know about.”
“Outside of London Colney, there is a pack of press photographers and ne’er-do-wells, all waiting for you to arrive for a medical. Big Brother wants you to sneak past them and have your medical. Then sneak out and travel to The Emirates for a photoshoot ready for the announcement of your signing.”
“Big Brother wants the news to break on Arsenal.com first.”
“Can you do that Gonzalo?”
“Sure I can, Big Brother.”
“Thank you Gonzalo. As a reward, you will receive a hefty pay packet each week for the next four years. You may go now.”
Quite who would be Big Brother’s voice is open for debate. On the rare occasions I’ve had the misfortune to catch the abomination of a television programme (it says it all when you are grateful for the plethora of soap opera that seem permanently on in our house), the voice has invariably been young and female. Who knows, maybe that’s what Dick Law’s voice sounds like, days lost on incoming deals as executives from selling clubs around the globe collapse into a weeping mass of laughter at the prospect of trying to a reach a deal with a man built like a linebacker, speaking like Scarlet Johannson with a Geordie accent. Hell, maybe even looking like Scarlet Johannson.
As it is, the transfer remains at an advanced stage according to the media and these things take time. You know that some miserable so-and-so will spread their own particular brand of joy if it is completed, complaining that the lead time on delivery has left them a bit meh about it all. You can’t please all of the people, all of the time.
The presumption is that Arsenal are in Spain to resolve this deal but never ones to miss the chance for a piece of cheap gossip, Daily Star sports hacks decided that Santi Cazorla has denied wanting to leave Arsenal for Real Madrid. The small matter of Isco’s imminent arrival at the Bernabeu would in no way scupper that deal, no. In any case, they have decided that Pellegrini has made a “last-ditch plea” for his former charge to rebuff the glamour of Madrid and let himself be seduced by the wet Tuesday night feel of Manchester.
Transfer dealings are rarely straightforward unless one of the parties is desperate to do the deal. And of course, the executives charged with handling any deals – the A-Team – are working on more than one at a time. At least you hope they are. Certainly there are any number of players looking to move on from the club still, who need help finding new homes. One is Johan Djourou, who is faced with a choose between Hannover, Hamburg or Humbug. Complete that deal, Ashley Williams can come in. By jove, I think I’m getting the hang of this transfer malarkey.
A popular choice for the A-Team is Marouane Fellaini. The soon-to-be-ex-Everton midfielder would cost £22m if reports are to be believed so why Arsenal would be surprised by wage demands that are comparable to Walcott and Higuain, is beyond me. Thankfully staff at The Heil are on hand to explain how the size of the deal over the course of the contract has brought on a bout of headaches in the Highbury House finance department. They were calmed no doubt by Arsène reverting to type with unknown French full back Benjamin Mendy. Someone will be able to find the YouTube compilation to turn us all into experts on the youngster, won’t they.
That’s it for today, your transfer goulash served in one tasty dish.